I am not ready for this

My mom had the hospice nurse come over today. Over the past few days it has become increasingly more difficult for him to speak, his voice is so hoarse sounding. I talked to him briefly today and he didn't sound like my daddy at all. It has also become more difficult for him to swallow. When he will eat, his food has to be very soft and Mom said that he isn't wanting to eat much anymore. More recently (last day or so), he has become disoriented and confused. Not sure if this is because the cancer has spread to his brain or what, but they do say it's possible since the small cell lung cancer does spread to the brain and bone marrow pretty quickly. The hospice nurse told my mom what I have kind of suspected was the case...he has given up...he is not fighting this at all and because of that his body is starting to shut down. They said if he continues like this, at this rate, they do not expect him to live much past a month.

I want to tell him he needs to fight and not give up so quickly, that we need and want him to fight and be strong for as long as he can, but strangely enough I can say that I understand. We can't make him fight! He has to want to do it for himself. It's amazing how much your will to live makes such a difference, but it totally does. He told my mom that he is tired of suffering and that he doesn't want to go through what his mom went through and have it linger. He hates what it is doing to his family and hates seeing us all so upset and in pain. He doesn't talk about being afraid though.

I just want to scream!!! I am not ready for this!!! I was not expecting this to happen so soon. Like I said in my last post, I thought he would be more like himself for a couple of months and then it would slowly get worse, but that's obviously not the case. We are losing him so much faster than I thought we would and I am at a loss as to how to handle this. I think I am still in shock. I thought I would have longer to come to the realization that we are going to lose him. I don't know what to do, what I should be doing to help my mom, to help my dad, etc. I feel useless. I need to be busy and have things to focus on other than the fact that my daddy is going to die. I ask my mom how I can help her and she doesn't know what she should be doing either. I mean, we are working on taking care of lose ends, wills, life insurance, benefits, etc, but what else?? I am at a loss. I feel like I am in a very bad dream.

I did find an organization in the Houston area called CanCare where they match either patients or caregivers up with people that have been through similar situations with Cancer. I am trying to find someone for my mom to reach out to that knows what she is going through. Someone from the organization left me a voicemail today, so I will call them tomorrow and see what I can get arranged for my mom. After I have something for her, I will likely try and find something for me, but I need to look after her first ya know.

So I guess that is all for tonight. I am tired, although I doubt I will be able to sleep much. It has been rough falling asleep over the past few weeks, so I am really tired. I will take my friend's advice and try and end with a cute story. It helped my mom feel good when we spoke tonight!

Thomas and I took Caroline to the pool tonight and I finally sucked it up and let her go down the twisty slide in the kiddy area by herself. I almost had a heart attack, but she did great, had a blast, and probably did it about 20 times after that. I will try and get pictures the next time we go, but she amazes me how fearless she is! Wish some of that would rub off on me!